What next?

Now that you've shed many of the self-help rituals that were not helping you anyway, you may feel bereft of tools... alone with no hope. Let me ask you something, "If you want to nail two pieces of wood together, would you want to have a toolset full of Nerf (sponge) tools that just look like they will work, or would you rather have a rock with which to drive the nail through the wood?" Sure, a hammer may be nice... but you can do with a rock if a hammer is not available. In either case, sponge tools are of no use.

So, what is left? Several things:

1. you... with all the warts you see yourself as having;
2. the skills you have;
3. the people you know (even if you only know one person); and
4. your ability to act

Don't get me started on "goal-writing," "action plans," and "checklists." I have a few things to say about those too... but I won't right now. No. What I will say now is to take a simple, small, spontaneous action using the principles I've mentioned before. Let me illustrate with a few examples.

1. If you are trying to learn Spanish and want to feel confident about speaking with someone, just pick up the phone, call a Mexican restaurant, and ask them--in Spanish--where they are located and when they close for the day. Thank them and hang up. That's it. No big speech, no mass audience, no eloquent soliloquy.
2. If you are disappointed about your level of education and wish you could just know more about "topic X" or had studied at a better school, then just go to MIT's OpenCourseware project (http://ocw.mit.edu/), pick a video lecture from the many they offer for free, sit back, and view it. You need not read, or research, or do anything else for now. Just sit back and view it.
3. If you wish you had courage to ask someone on a date--someone with whom you haven't ever spoken--but you're afraid of being rejected, then today smile at her/him, ask how their day is going... and that's it. Nothing more for now.
4. If you want to present confidently at a meeting, just start talking... regardless of how you feel. Don't try to be confident or anything... just say whatever you have to say. At the end, don't ask for feedback, don't wonder how you did, don't give it another thought. Just move on to the next thing, as if confidence is not an issue.

The above actions may seem silly. No one serious would dare engage in such childish activities. If you think so, I'm sorry to hear that. You're missing the point. The point is to take a small action and realize that, "It's possible." I'm not going to say that by doing the small action you unleash the creative power of the universe; you're not. What you're doing is taking a small step on the journey to reaching the goal. You're taking a small risk, and you realize that it's possible.

Now that you've done this, you could also conceivably come to the realization that realizing the end goal is not really what you wanted in the first place. It's better to conclude that at the beginning than after you've invested a lot of time and money. In the business world, we call this "piloting." Before a company invests a lot of money pushing a product nation-wide, it invests a fraction and markets the product to a few cities... to see how the product fares. If it does well, more funds are released and the company expands to a broader geography. If the product fails, or if the company realizes that the outcome is not what it thought it would have, then the product is canceled and the money invested in some other activity. No emotion: just try something, see the outcome, and then take the next step.

After you take the first small action, your emotion may change or it may not. That's not important. The point is you began achieving your outcome in spite of your emotion. If you still have a desire to continue, then do it... little by little.

If what you're looking for is an "overnight" courage or self esteem or some other emotion, what you can accomplish "overnight" is to convince yourself that the emotion is irrelevant. What you are really yearning for is some material outcome. The emotion may follow or not... but an emotion buys you nothing.

More tools to come. That said, I believe the above tool is the most important: spontaneous action without regard to the emotion you currently feel.

Shed the rituals that don't work

Finding the answer is as much about finding the kernel or nugget of truth as it is about removing the pulp surrounding it... pulp that is not the kernel. We have many rituals and activities that don't add value and don't produce the results we think they should. Continuing these rituals is, in itself, a source of disappointment and desperation. Both disappointment and desperation are emotions, which I've recommended you ignore. If you have successfully done so, great... then see the shedding of these rituals (if they don't add value for you) as freeing your time to do the things that do have the effect you want.

1. Affirmations... will you see blue as red after repeatedly telling yourself it's red?
Often the knee-jerk reaction of most self-help literature, affirmations are nothing more than telling yourself that you're different than you naturally feel you are, or that you feel differently than you do. "I'm a winner" instead of "I'm a loser," or "People like me" instead of "Nobody likes me." By repeating these every hour, day, week, etc. the idea is that you will--sooner or later--replace your innate thoughts and self-perspectives with the new reshaped ones. If this works for you, then use it. If it doesn't, I recommend trying it for a day and seeing the effect. I have not found them as sustainable and useful past a day or so... for several reasons. First, if you need to keep telling yourself something you don't believe, will you believe it more simply because you repeat it to yourself? If you see three lights, will you magically see four simply because you tell yourself there are four? I thought so. Second, any approach that requires a burdensome routine of reading positive flash cards or gazing in the mirror and telling yourself you're smart becomes more of an obsessive-compulsive exercise that a true mind-changer. Third, if you're looking for a meaningful change of your inner world view, you need a rational process.

2. Positive self-talk
Positive self-talk is a broader notion, of which affirmations are part. Positive self-talk is about rewording "problem" to "opportunity," "failed" to "yet to succeed," and so on. Though I agree that it's helpful to think about "what can I do with what I have" rather than "why I can't do something," positive self-talk has gone astray in left field. It has now become an attempt to reprogram your mind. Ironically, it adds more baggage and constraints... exactly what you don't need. If you see something as a problem, then see it as a problem... and proceed in spite of the problem. If you think you failed, then think you failed... and then figure out what to do next. Don't lie to yourself; it's best to accept to yourself what you're feeling. Your subconscious thinks what it wants, regardless of the words you utter.

3. Wishful thinking... "attracting things"
I'm not talking about prayer. Prayer is a religious experience, and I do not mean this to be a religious blog. Prayer is best addressed by your pastor, spiritual advisor, and the like. I'm talking about the Law of Attraction and the progeny that have sprouted as a result of its supposed popularity. The first time I read about the notion of "attracting the things you think about" it sounded pretty good... until I thought about some negative emotions and couldn't shake them. The notion of "attracting things" resonates with people because most of us are not in control of our emotions, we often have negative emotions, we interpret certain things that happen as negative... and, presto, the Attraction gurus were right! Though the gimmick is supposed to help you attract good things, it's reinforced by the negative experiences more so that the positive. After all, I just can't believe that someone stood twiddling their thumbs and a pot of gold just drops out of thin air in front of them because they "attracted" it somehow. If you find it works for you, then ignore what I said. If it doesn't work for you, then get rid of the pressure and fear this superstitious, wishful-thinking concept creates. This is the same notion of "positive thinking" and visualization just wrapped up in a quasi-spiritual tortilla just to make the whole package seem more different and powerful. It's the same level of psycho-babble we see from these sugary self-help gurus that visualized their pockets being lined up with cash from you buying their books.

4. Fearing "self-fulfilling prophecies"
The so-called "self-fulfilling prophecy" principle underlies the Law of Attraction and several other theories. Its proponents often quote Henry Ford, "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I interpret Ford's statement differently: your state of mind affects your actions. It's a fact... not an admonition. The solution, however, is to change your action... not your state of mind; the latter will follow or not... it's not important. The important thing is to have the result you seek. The concept of self-fulfilling prophecy suffers from the same shortcoming as Attraction: it creates psychological pressure and perpetuates negative feelings. It is reinforced by the negative, rather than the positive, aspect of our emotions. So, I'd advise you ignore this concept. Think what you want to think; say what you want to say; be free. That will do more for your ability to accomplish your result than any artificial restraint.

5. Envisioning
People talk about "visualization" as one way of getting what you want. "Visualize yourself as being successful," and so on. All of these techniques (visualization, positive self-talk, affirmations, and the like) may be effective if one is in a state of mind to accept their reality... if there is no incongruity between what you think and what you want to envision, etc. In that case, envisioning is not envisioning at all... it's simply planning, with a marketing spin. Seeing yourself as walking confidently into a meeting may give you a temporary confidence boost... but it is not sustainable. If, on the other hand, you're already confident, then envisioning that you walk confidently into the room is nothing more than planning what you will do; you don't need it in order to feel confident. Otherwise, it's like seeing a movie: you see fantasy lands and glide among the stars, but you know it's not real. More insidiously, "envisioning" gives people a false sense of hope and a temporary band-aid. It's like a diet for losing weight; the weight will come back over time.

6. Re-writing your past
This is not as prevalent now, but some still recommend it. This technique involves taking the experiences that had created self-doubt, low self esteem, etc. and rewriting the experience such that it didn't happen that way. Assume, for example, that you were caught stealing when you were a teenager, and were sent to juvenile hall. This, in turn, diminished your risk-taking appetite as an adult... and you are now a passive, boring person. "Rewriting your past" involves then telling yourself repeatedly that you didn't steal and didn't get sent to jail; this will, supposedly, eliminate the source of your passivity. After all, the past is nothing more than a memory... an engram encoded in your brain. You can redefine your past. This is lying to yourself. You stole, you got sent to jail, and the lesson is, "Don't steal from others." If your definition of "risk taking" is stealing--as opposed to investing or getting a better-paying job--then you should be passive; society does not need risk-taking thieves who have self esteem. I'm using an extreme example, but I hope you understand the two points: (1) Don't lie to yourself by denying your past; and (2) Seek to understand the rational lesson you learned from the past... and then you can discard the emotion behind it if you can. Though it might be tempting to redefine your past, most of us don't operate like a computer; you know, in the back of your mind, what really happened. You need to be able to trust yourself in order to achieve meaningful and sustainable change.

The basics of personal change

Perhaps there is a methodical, step-wise process for progressing through personal change. From my observations, however, any methodology dealing with human cognitive processes is, at best, theoretical. At worst, most methodologies fail because they require superior human discipline... the kind of discipline that few of us possess for sustainable periods of time.

However, rather than being satisfied with the notion that there is no hope for you--and one can sometimes feel at peace when giving up in a struggle--what you need to realize is that you have not yet found a methodology that works for you. In reality, our thoughts combine, our activities dart back and forth among rungs on a pyramid, and we switch context quickly based on what seems important at the moment. Our personal growth and change patterns, much like our thinking, is network-like in nature; it is not sequential, as most theories require. This is who we are; imposing a strict discipline if this is not your style is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Keeping this in mind, let's work through a few basics of personal change. By basics I do not mean "step 1;" as I said before, I don't believe personal change follows a "neat" step-wise process. By basics I simply mean certain notions that are important to remember in your quest for personal growth; you may see these themes time and time again on the journey.

1. There is no single path for growth... you must build your own from building blocks
I believe that the journey of personal growth is traveled on a road you must build yourself; there is no pre-built highway. There are, however, large chunks of concrete that you can assemble. The inventory of building blocks can be as small or as large as you wish it... but the objective is to carefully select those blocks that are sturdy and practical. It might be easy to think that if you follow the step-by-step program laid out in a book or a tape series you will reach your destination. You may, but oftentimes you won't stay there very long... because the program is not custom-tailored to your needs. Building your own path probably takes no more effort than copying someone else's. However, the outcome will be more sustainable if you do the former.

2. Believe no one at face value... TRY each idea that sounds plausible and discard what doesn't work... Experiment
     We have become a nation of followers, a society of star-gawking sheep who stand in awe of other people's ideas and create personality cults around everyone from Hollywood celebrities to politicians to business leaders and so on. We believe what the media tells us or, if not, we refute everything someone says simply because they are labeled a Republican, a Democrat, a religious man, a non-religious man, a socialist, a capitalist, an expert... you get the picture.
     Everyone has a vested interest (however little) in having people believe what he or she is saying. This is not necessarily bad, as long as: (a) you recognize that there is an alternative motive at work; and (b) you critically evaluate the idea for itself before accepting or tossing it. Your boss wants to persuade you of her views, because this increases your productivity and her results. Your professor wants your belief so he can sow intellectual seeds and become the father of a generation of thinkers. Your parents want your agreement so they can feel good about raising someone who shares their views. Your friends want your acquiescence because it reinforces their own world view. And so on. In fact, you also want other people to agree with you, for various reasons: it gives you an ego boost, it provides external validation about your world view, and so on. The important thing is to realize that there is an alternative motive to every message or idea you hear out there. The presence of ulterior motive(s) is not intrinsically bad; it's just how people operate.
     Knowing this, the goal is to experiment with ideas and see what works for you. Experimenting is easier when an idea doesn't take too long to implement. This is one reason why I am leery of programs that require weeks or months: they are difficult to implement or prove. We often have a sense of misplaced duty, of wanting to follow others because of the good things they've done for us, the accomplishments they've had, or for other reasons. We shy away from trying certain actions because others would speak poorly of us, or would disapprove, or would sneer at us in disdain. Placating someone is the wrong reason to do or not do something; it is a waste of time. You owe it to yourself to find the truth... to learn how things really work for you... and to be who you want to be.
     As you experiment, keep in mind that an idea that succeeded in one situation may not succeed in another... and an idea that failed one time may not fail a second time. The sometimes-frustrating aspect of human behavior is that we are often unpredictable... and so are others. That's one reason why you should have several tools in your toolbox, and try each one until you find the right one that fits the situation.

3. Separate emotion from action
We are part of a society whose self-help bookshelves are filled with materials on improving your self esteem, your confidence, your motivation, and so on. The very notion that your self esteem (or other parts of your personality) needs help indicates that something must be wrong with you. Building on the principle of "everyone has an ulterior motive," see the message for what it is: an attempt to exploit your weaknesses for profit. Each of us is weak in various areas: some are afraid, some are lonely, some are too optimistic, some are too pessimistic, some are aggressive, some are passive, some are too extroverted to be taken seriously, others are too introverted, and so on. The quest for the "perfect personality" does nothing but line the pockets of certain individuals and creates pain and suffering for the rest who never attain that paragon of "perfect human." There is value in wanting to change... but don't do it because you see a book and think to yourself, "I wish I were that way."
     As part of the solution, you need to separate the emotion from the actions you will take. You should no longer focus on having "self esteem," or "being confident" or "being an extrovert." Those are emotions that, frankly, are not in your control; if you could summon positive emotions at will, you wouldn't feel the way you do. Straining to control something that is not controllable creates psychological pressure... the very pressure that ends up sabotaging you. Instead, ignore your emotions; accept them if you have to... just don't put much stock in emotions. Instead, focus your energies on actions, as described below. Your emotions may follow suit, or they may not; it doesn't really matter. Emotions are fickle; don't give them another thought. What about emotions of sadness, disappointment, regret, bitterness, or such? Much like you can't control positive emotions, you can't control negative ones. So, either feel them until they pass (few emotions last forever), go to a psychiatrist to get medication, try to do something to forget about whatever is causing that negative emotion, and so on. Negative emotions are not trivial, nor can they be diminished with words. Over time, the point is to ignore concentrating on your emotions.
     Action is where your should focus your energies. When you feel that you don't have confidence, what you're actually secretly wishing is that you're able to do a certain kind of activity or have some sort of result. So, whenever you feel a personality shortcoming, identify what outcome you're wishing you had. It would help to write this down... but it's not required; you knowing it is enough. Once you do, the next step is to decide if you really want that outcome, or if you just think you do. If you're unsure, assume you want it... just to be safe. Then your challenge is to accomplish that outcome. We'll discuss some tools for this later.

4. Decide whether you want to change... and why
Change through action does not come easily. It's even harder when you really don't want to change, but only think you do. If you're content with your current state, that is great... more power to you! You need not change because someone told you to, or because you think it will impress someone. The only meaningful motivation for change should be because you want to. You may feel that you don't deserve a better situation. If so, that's okay; that means you don't need to change. Until you come to the realization that you want to change, you don't need to do so. Continue doing what you're doing.

Changing ourselves - the beginning...

Few things bother me more than ideas that purport to hold some great or noble truth, yet they ring hollow when applied to real life. There is a sense of bitterness and loss when a concept you've held to be true turns out to be disappointingly superficial and effect-less. Few domains suffer more from this malady than the ever-growing "self-help" genre of literature. I believe in the need for personal development and growth. What I despise, however, is authors and n-step program makers feeding the masses with ideas that waste time and lead to limited (if any) results... especially to results that are short-lived. What I despise even more is the fact that self-help gurus knowingly sell band-aids masked as persistent remedies... knowing that people will likely come back for the next "fix." Personal growth and psychological well-being should be toyed-with. People need practical tools to empower themselves in a sustainable fashion, not some "wishful thinking" syrup that lasts just a few days after the book, tape, or DVD is finished.

I also believe in putting one's passionate feelings--even if they may be sometimes be fueled by frustration--to positive use. So, I will begin sharing my own views on the topics of self esteem, inferiority, competition, self efficacy, behavioral change, and the like... and I will do so in this blog. I believe the ideas you will read are practical, and can lead to more realistic results than any rose-colored, sugary, "wishful thinking" philosophy many of today's self-proclaimed gurus would like you to adopt. Oftentimes the ideas will take you only so far... and then you need to develop new thoughts on your own; this is not meant to be a comprehensive thesis on human cognitive development. Instead, it's one person's way of giving back to society learnings and experiences developed over the years.

I do this first as a contribution to society. I can no longer stand idly by while people find false hope while searching for real answers. Second, I do it as a means of evolving a practical methodology to self development and change.

I urge you to comment, especially if we don't quite "see eye to eye." I also encourage you to share this blog with others; help others see that practical and sustainable self-development is possible. Don't worry about whether you agree or disagree... you imprint on the world through a voiced thought is what matters most.

Lastly, I do not see myself as holding the only key to personal growth and development. Different methods work for different people, depending on what stage each is at. We will progressively explore many ideas in subsequent blog entries, and you should take from them just those things that you find helpful.