Shed the rituals that don't work

Finding the answer is as much about finding the kernel or nugget of truth as it is about removing the pulp surrounding it... pulp that is not the kernel. We have many rituals and activities that don't add value and don't produce the results we think they should. Continuing these rituals is, in itself, a source of disappointment and desperation. Both disappointment and desperation are emotions, which I've recommended you ignore. If you have successfully done so, great... then see the shedding of these rituals (if they don't add value for you) as freeing your time to do the things that do have the effect you want.

1. Affirmations... will you see blue as red after repeatedly telling yourself it's red?
Often the knee-jerk reaction of most self-help literature, affirmations are nothing more than telling yourself that you're different than you naturally feel you are, or that you feel differently than you do. "I'm a winner" instead of "I'm a loser," or "People like me" instead of "Nobody likes me." By repeating these every hour, day, week, etc. the idea is that you will--sooner or later--replace your innate thoughts and self-perspectives with the new reshaped ones. If this works for you, then use it. If it doesn't, I recommend trying it for a day and seeing the effect. I have not found them as sustainable and useful past a day or so... for several reasons. First, if you need to keep telling yourself something you don't believe, will you believe it more simply because you repeat it to yourself? If you see three lights, will you magically see four simply because you tell yourself there are four? I thought so. Second, any approach that requires a burdensome routine of reading positive flash cards or gazing in the mirror and telling yourself you're smart becomes more of an obsessive-compulsive exercise that a true mind-changer. Third, if you're looking for a meaningful change of your inner world view, you need a rational process.

2. Positive self-talk
Positive self-talk is a broader notion, of which affirmations are part. Positive self-talk is about rewording "problem" to "opportunity," "failed" to "yet to succeed," and so on. Though I agree that it's helpful to think about "what can I do with what I have" rather than "why I can't do something," positive self-talk has gone astray in left field. It has now become an attempt to reprogram your mind. Ironically, it adds more baggage and constraints... exactly what you don't need. If you see something as a problem, then see it as a problem... and proceed in spite of the problem. If you think you failed, then think you failed... and then figure out what to do next. Don't lie to yourself; it's best to accept to yourself what you're feeling. Your subconscious thinks what it wants, regardless of the words you utter.

3. Wishful thinking... "attracting things"
I'm not talking about prayer. Prayer is a religious experience, and I do not mean this to be a religious blog. Prayer is best addressed by your pastor, spiritual advisor, and the like. I'm talking about the Law of Attraction and the progeny that have sprouted as a result of its supposed popularity. The first time I read about the notion of "attracting the things you think about" it sounded pretty good... until I thought about some negative emotions and couldn't shake them. The notion of "attracting things" resonates with people because most of us are not in control of our emotions, we often have negative emotions, we interpret certain things that happen as negative... and, presto, the Attraction gurus were right! Though the gimmick is supposed to help you attract good things, it's reinforced by the negative experiences more so that the positive. After all, I just can't believe that someone stood twiddling their thumbs and a pot of gold just drops out of thin air in front of them because they "attracted" it somehow. If you find it works for you, then ignore what I said. If it doesn't work for you, then get rid of the pressure and fear this superstitious, wishful-thinking concept creates. This is the same notion of "positive thinking" and visualization just wrapped up in a quasi-spiritual tortilla just to make the whole package seem more different and powerful. It's the same level of psycho-babble we see from these sugary self-help gurus that visualized their pockets being lined up with cash from you buying their books.

4. Fearing "self-fulfilling prophecies"
The so-called "self-fulfilling prophecy" principle underlies the Law of Attraction and several other theories. Its proponents often quote Henry Ford, "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I interpret Ford's statement differently: your state of mind affects your actions. It's a fact... not an admonition. The solution, however, is to change your action... not your state of mind; the latter will follow or not... it's not important. The important thing is to have the result you seek. The concept of self-fulfilling prophecy suffers from the same shortcoming as Attraction: it creates psychological pressure and perpetuates negative feelings. It is reinforced by the negative, rather than the positive, aspect of our emotions. So, I'd advise you ignore this concept. Think what you want to think; say what you want to say; be free. That will do more for your ability to accomplish your result than any artificial restraint.

5. Envisioning
People talk about "visualization" as one way of getting what you want. "Visualize yourself as being successful," and so on. All of these techniques (visualization, positive self-talk, affirmations, and the like) may be effective if one is in a state of mind to accept their reality... if there is no incongruity between what you think and what you want to envision, etc. In that case, envisioning is not envisioning at all... it's simply planning, with a marketing spin. Seeing yourself as walking confidently into a meeting may give you a temporary confidence boost... but it is not sustainable. If, on the other hand, you're already confident, then envisioning that you walk confidently into the room is nothing more than planning what you will do; you don't need it in order to feel confident. Otherwise, it's like seeing a movie: you see fantasy lands and glide among the stars, but you know it's not real. More insidiously, "envisioning" gives people a false sense of hope and a temporary band-aid. It's like a diet for losing weight; the weight will come back over time.

6. Re-writing your past
This is not as prevalent now, but some still recommend it. This technique involves taking the experiences that had created self-doubt, low self esteem, etc. and rewriting the experience such that it didn't happen that way. Assume, for example, that you were caught stealing when you were a teenager, and were sent to juvenile hall. This, in turn, diminished your risk-taking appetite as an adult... and you are now a passive, boring person. "Rewriting your past" involves then telling yourself repeatedly that you didn't steal and didn't get sent to jail; this will, supposedly, eliminate the source of your passivity. After all, the past is nothing more than a memory... an engram encoded in your brain. You can redefine your past. This is lying to yourself. You stole, you got sent to jail, and the lesson is, "Don't steal from others." If your definition of "risk taking" is stealing--as opposed to investing or getting a better-paying job--then you should be passive; society does not need risk-taking thieves who have self esteem. I'm using an extreme example, but I hope you understand the two points: (1) Don't lie to yourself by denying your past; and (2) Seek to understand the rational lesson you learned from the past... and then you can discard the emotion behind it if you can. Though it might be tempting to redefine your past, most of us don't operate like a computer; you know, in the back of your mind, what really happened. You need to be able to trust yourself in order to achieve meaningful and sustainable change.