To Belong or Not To Belong

The desire to belong was deemed by Abraham Maslow to be one of the key needs of a human being. However, one cannot help but wonder whether this is a mere instrument of social conformity. We cannot deny that humans have an innate propensity to operate in social groups. Whether we look at the historical evolution of societies--from the hunting group to the tribe to the civilization--or at the dynamics of crisis management where people band together to solve a common problem, the idea of interdependence is readily visible. But interdependence, the notion that to succeed we depend on others, is different from "belongingness."

Interdependence is a practical reality that we cannot survive by ourselves. Even Thoreau purchased many of the products of his self-subsistence from others. Whether the "others" are our clients, our employers, or suppliers, our landlords, etc. we need them... and they need us. This is true not because we are not built for self-sufficiency, but rather because society has specialized to the point where no one person does everything... and the standard of living has advanced to the point where we need specialization in order to obtain the comforts--be they meager or luxurious--to which we are accustomed.

But belonging is something different. It means that not only do you depend on others and others on you, you either have a need to or must be "part of" a social group in order to feel fulfilled emotionally. Setting aside the primary social unit of the family (though this can satisfy the belonging requirement), let's explore the secondary social groups such as friends, co-workers, and the like. Belonging in that context involves, in most cases, sacrificing aspects of one's individuality in order to fit in a group. Look around at the friends and acquaintances that you know and "have." Do you behave as you normally would, or do you hold back your views in order to "fit in"? Do you complement people who deserve reprobations? Do you compare yourself to others rather than being satisfied with yourself? Do you do things "your way," or do you go with the team's majority decision? Unless you are the "leader" of the pack, you probably acknowledge that some concessions occur. And ever if you are the leader, you probably can admit that you too hold back sometimes in order to maintain the group circling around you.

So, how can something like belonging be fulfilling, when you wear a mask in order to be accepted by a group? Perhaps the benefits of the group are more rewarding than if you were alone. You might get business referrals, income, a good time, friends to lean on, etc. And you might not have access to these things if you did not belong in a group. But the very notion that you expect "benefits" from this group in return for giving up some of this individuality should turn belonging from an emotional exercise to a rational one. Though a precise calculus of human behavior is impractical, you should always ask yourself what you are giving to a group and what you expect in return... before you become too emotionally attached. Some groups can demand a lot of time--often your most precious commodity--from you, and end up giving you nothing other than a feeling of belonging. Other groups, and these are rare, give you much without requiring much in return; these types of groups are rare, and seldom are parasitical members suffered for long. What you should seek is an arrangement where your "exports" and "imports" are balanced, and where the alternative of belonging to others groups is less preferable. As you evaluate the value of your exports/imports, look at exports from the view of their value to you... and at imports from the view of their value to those on the receiving end. One hour of coaching of another might equate to two hours of their coaching you, for example.

The solution, then, is not to "belong" in the purest sense... where you are driven emotionally to join some group or other. But rather belong in the sense of seeking mutual benefit, where the sacrifices you make of your individuality yield equal or better returns. And if you cannot find such a group, you don't need to belong just because Maslow or society says you must. Enjoy yourself until a better situation comes along.